A Hard Reflection to Bare

I looked in the mirror one Sunday morning. My hair was a mess, nails dirty and unclipped, and my wrists were red from pinching my sinful nature away. Why wouldn't these feelings go away? I couldn't take it anymore. I was going to make it all go away. I picked up the bottle of pills from my dresser and studied it very closely. The colors of it, the scientific wording, and all these things were all unimportant but as far as I knew these were the last things I’d ever get to see. I opened the bottle as death’s shadow loomed over me. His warm breath felt familiar on my neck. The thoughts had crossed my mind so much I wasn't afraid of him anymore. He was a welcome visitor in my mind. I waited for his kind embrace but nothing happened. I had dropped the bottle. Tears fell down my neck as pills scattered across the floor. They ran underneath my furniture as if they were afraid of me, but who would ever be afraid of such a cowardly giant? I fell back on to my bed drenched in sweat and tears, not caring how soggy I left my sheets. I asked God for his forgiveness, for him to take these impure thoughts away from me. What I didn't realize at the time was nothing was wrong with me, but my perceptions of what I should be had to change.
I tried dating girls, thinking it was a matter of “I just hadn't found the right girl yet.” So I started talking to a girl I had a lot in common with and hung out with her a lot, she was really beautiful but I didn't find any sexual interest in her. We dated for a month or so but never did anything. We had a bad breakup and I went back to just chilling with my friends at our usual spot, behind the bungalows. They were great guys and they didn't treat me like an outcast or make fun of my effeminate nature, I couldn't really say the same about my other “friends”. Less than a week later, I met the boy who would be my first male ex. His name was Esteban and almost immediately there was a connection. We hit it off right away and after that first day we kissed behind the auditorium. My first kiss was amazing… and it felt right. My relationship with him didn't last long but it solidified my feelings towards men.
I went home that night feeling great. I looked in the mirror again but this time all I saw was a happy kid. I looked back at my life again and I realized I had been gay this whole time. When I was 5 and I told my mom I thought Mario Lopez on Saved by the Bell was hot. When I was 7 and was playing with dolls rather than baseball bats. It seemed everyone knew but me. Now that I had found myself, I had found not only did people know but that they had already accepted me for who I was.
Nowadays everyone knows about my sexuality and my perceptions are always changing like everything else in my life. I had been with many men by the time I came to college and have now gotten the girlfriend I was looking for in the beginning; turns out she was wearing the guise of a man this whole time. Despite being in a relationship with a transgender person, I still consider myself gay but I found I’m also pan-romantic (attracted to all sexes in a romantic way but not necessarily in a sexual way). Being pan-romantic as a gay man is very confusing to some people what’s more confusing to people is that I've been able to keep my faith. I now go an affirming church that accepts me as I am rather than what they want me to be. My family and friends have shown me so much love and acceptance; I don’t think I could’ve made it through this process without them and The Trevor Project. A nonprofit organization that helps LGBT teens, The Trevor Project got me through relationships and times when I felt like nothing would get better. Like them, I now work to help those who may be feeling as I had and are struggling with their sexuality by providing understanding and acceptance.